Alright. So quick confession: I’ve been in the email marketing game long enough that I should probably own a dusty “world’s okayest marketer” mug. I’ve seen all the webinars, slid into questionable FB groups, bought way too many $27 “secret swipe file” bundles that now rot in my Google Drive.
And still, I get sucked in by the promises sometimes. The headlines are just… outrageous in the most delightful way.
Maybe you’ve stumbled across these too? The kinds of posts that shout (in all caps, of course):
“HOW I MADE $100K FROM ONE EMAIL WHILE PETTING MY DOG ON A TUESDAY.”
Sounds amazing. Slightly unhinged, but amazing.
But then reality taps your shoulder, all polite-like. “Hey. Remember last Thursday when you sent an email to 2,000 people and got 4 clicks? And you nearly threw your phone out the window?”
Yeah. That.
So let’s wander, maybe meander is the better word, through some of the most ridiculous email marketing claims that pop up everywhere. We’ll laugh, maybe wince, but hopefully also walk away with a clearer (less sparkly, more practical) sense of what actually works.
“One Email Will Make You Filthy Rich and Solve World Peace”
I mean… come on.
There’s this recurring fairy tale that if you just nail that one perfect subject line, sprinkle in the exact ratio of urgency and scarcity, and then BOOM, PayPal sends you love notes at midnight.
Truth? Even the best copywriters on the planet can’t guarantee that kind of lightning bolt. Your dream email might tank harder than a flopping salmon.
I still remember writing an email about a tiny productivity course, thinking it was genius. Had a clever story, personal note, even threw in a corny GIF. Sent it to a list that, by all metrics, adored me. Crickets. Maybe a single sale, tops.
The next week, I dashed off a short, semi-sloppy note basically saying “Hey, wanna see something cool I’ve been using?” That one? Five sales. No logic. Just humans being unpredictable.
“Get 98% Open Rates (Because Math Doesn’t Exist Anymore)”
This one kills me every time.
Some shiny marketing guru pops onto Instagram, wearing a pristine white tee, standing suspiciously in front of a Lamborghini they definitely don’t own, and brags that their emails get 98% opens.
Ha ha. Right.
Even ignoring Apple’s privacy updates (which now turn open rates into clown numbers half the time), most healthy lists float between 25-40%, on a good day. And that’s okay. It’s normal.
The obsession with open rates is kinda like bragging that 98% of people walked by your lemonade stand. Cool, but did they stop? Did they sip?
Clicks, replies, conversations, those are the stuff. That’s where the relationship lives.
“My Emails Are So Persuasive People Forget Free Will”
Oh to be that powerful.
Apparently, if you use the right “power words,” your readers will hand over credit cards while in a hypnosis trance. Imagine being able to make people buy a $497 course on raising alpacas in urban apartments, just because you said “unlock” instead of “start.”
Look, copywriting is awesome. I love words. They matter a lot. But people still think, doubt, get nervous, call their sister before buying. Sometimes they even ghost you. (Shocking, I know.)
Emails that convert are honest. Relatable. They tap into real desires, like wanting to pay off debt or work in sweatpants, but also give space to breathe. It’s not manipulation. It’s invitation. Big difference.
“Just Automate Everything and You’ll Wake Up a Millionaire”
God, wouldn’t that be fun?
Don’t get me wrong: automations are magic. You absolutely should build welcome sequences, re-engagement flows, abandoned cart nudges. But people act like you can set up 12 emails, vanish to Bali, and return to find your bank account bursting like a piñata.
In real life? Automations break. Or get stale. Sometimes someone replies with a weird question, and your carefully automated flow spits out something awkward.
Also, people crave actual connection. Some of my best sales came from a random, unscripted email reply that started: “Hey, I know this sounds dumb, but…” and then we talked it out.
Turns out humans like talking to humans. Who knew.
“Grow to 100,000 Subscribers in 10 Minutes Without Paying a Dime!”
Cool story, bro.
These are usually powered by contests that promise an iPad if you hand over your email, and your cousin’s, plus your ex’s, plus your Uber driver’s. You grow a giant list of people who just wanted a shiny gadget. Congrats.
Next time you email them about your new coaching program? They’ll either unsubscribe or mark you spam because they don’t even remember why they signed up.
Slow, intentional growth still beats flash mobs every time. A warm list of 2,000 can earn you more than a cold 100,000. It’s not a race. It’s a garden. (Sorry for the cheesy metaphor. Had to.)
So What’s Actually Worth Doing?
Boring stuff. The non-glamorous bits.
- Writing emails that sound like you, not like a robot with a degree in persuasive linguistics.
- Sending them consistently, even if you’re only 85% sure they’re brilliant.
- Following up, testing ideas, letting people unsubscribe (yes, please let them).
- Being transparent that you’re in business. That you sell stuff. But you also care.
That’s how the money happens. And the trust. And the long-term business that doesn’t collapse the second a new social media app rolls out.
So next time you see someone promise that a three-sentence email will buy you a yacht, maybe giggle, screenshot it, send it to a friend.
Then go back to your keyboard, sip your coffee, and type out something a little messy, a little honest, a little you.
That’s usually what works best anyway.
